FLOATING TO THE STARS

Building new acquaintances everyday, washing away debris of yesterday
Today's debris start accumulating, tomorrow's keep waiting in a list
Waves every minute washing away the footprints on the sands of time
Every sparkle a ray of false hope, yet every one brings a scope for more
Even as the particles disintegrate, memories fading away with every wave
Every particle has destiny together they come, separate they leave
Standing on the shores of passing time, I wait for one fallen pearl
Fallen hopes, raining pain, steaming lights, twinkling stars, shivering leaves
Looking through a misty mirror, faint images from past and future
soaring in the breeze, washed clean by the dew, forever upward I go.

LONELYMAN

Running water, underneath my feet
Standing under a bridge life beneath
Raising storm, water churing, hands raised
Flashing lights, blaring horns, deluded minds
Frozen soul, stiffer than the obituary column
Numb with shock, screeching tires
Nothing matters, floating spirals of smoke
Lonely fish swimming in a shoal
Bottles of alcohol make home next to garbage
No escape from this gilt cage,
NO ESCAPE, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

Adventures in LonelyMind

My wife says that I'm becoming a fat sloth. I guess she is right, but then I don't have much choice do I? The funny thing about life is that it brings you options and choices that you don't even realise have come and then when you wake up they are long lost in time that will never come back. I have always felt that it is sheer folly to look back and keep reminiscing or ruing my lost chances. When Dev left me I was devastated, but then on one fine morning I said to myself that I won't be a slave to my demons. I have never looked back, and it is not with little pride that I can say that her leaving me didn't scar me in any way at all. This has taught me a valuable lesson in life. The harder you assume something will be, the harder it actually gets. If you assume that it is feasible and doable, it will become easy. This is something that I have made my catch phrase and my motto. hence, the harder something looks, the more enthusiasm I show in order to conquer it. this is not to say that I don't fail, for I do,maybe more than some. But at least i fail trying what most would have given up as impossible.

This life of mine has been an adventure that I have embraced wholeheartedly. Fortunately, we live in a time when our lives are not put at risk everyday and we probably live in one of the safest times ever (just until that stupid enfant from North Korea or some idiot megalomaniac from China does not hatch a plan to overthrow the existing world order). So, we have to devise our own adventures, some that have no place in the current scheme of things. I live to fulfill my heart's loneliness with some moments of pure bliss. It is why I'm the happiest when I'm supposed to be scared the most. It is also why it is a great sorrow that rages in my heart that I strive forever to overcome. I'm all surrounded by people who love me and yet here I am all so alone. I do not know whether this focus on the self is the path to salvation as so many godmen preach or if it is just a safe and modern way to be really self-centred and selfish. Somehow,all the while that Archie is here I don't feel the void. It's when she leaves that I feel so alone and so cold. It is her presence maybe which keeps me so 'full', if that be the right word. When she is here, I get happy, satisfied, angry, upset all at the same time. When she is not here its all gone at once. somehow, its so different from the time when I had fallen so truly madly deeply in love with Dev. Whenever I used catch i glimpse of her, or even someone who looked remotely like her, my heart literally sputtered and stood still. It is always that feeling that I strove to feel again, that raw feeling of teenage heady rush of madness. Those days when the consequences of your actions belonged to your parents, its those days I have been longing for forever.

Ever since Archie entered my life it has never reached the same crescendo, and I have never made any bones about it either. I have been clear to her that I don't expect the rush of first love repeat itself and yet, i have wronger her heavily. It is not the cheap thrill of first love which matters but the slow and sure sense of belonging together. I have always cried at the feeling of true romance, at the tear jerkers which are regularly produced by Hollywood and Bollywood. I am really soft when it comes to the real emotions of life and all my bustle and bluster is a rather unfit armour against such emotions. Yet, I have missed the fact that I have truly fallen in love and this is the most beautiful emotion ever.

Missing my friends

Too lonely here in this world without friends. I wonder how the prehistoric man used to live without friends and bonding. This is why you need friends, family and close relatives. This why I hate being me. I have lived what others want and yet I have realised that I have never achieved what I want. Achievements alone don't fulfill your days, necessities and luxuries combined don't give you the opportunity to be whole. Whoever coined the phrase "Man is a social animal", knew what he was talking about. I have always wondered why we love going back to our roots and why we treasure the days of our childhood the most. The fact remains that those are the days that have been the happiest in our lives and it is neither sin nor a wonder that we crave to turn time back and head back to our wombs. The days of fun, frolic and  careless enjoyment are restricted to our childhood and that is what remains the most attractive destination no matter who we eventually become. From the girl who sees the whole wide world to the guy has slept with half the world, we all want to go back to our friends, to our small hometowns, to our roots, to our unbidden lives full of unparalleled revelry. Some day, I wish to head back to my hometown, to my Kalyani, and to spend some years there with my parents and my friends and all that I used to love. The days of organising theatres, the days of making fun of the girls and a secret smoke, the days of the illicit drinks and the hidden pornography, the days of the shared lunch and the hours in class waiting for that one girl to turn and smile at me. For a few days I want all that back. But, my days are gone and others have taken my place. It is their turn now to create memories that someday they will try and crawl back to, and I'm not needed. My days are gone and no footprints remain in the sands of time, the mute grounds witness to generations of me. Some times I wish a small part of the grounds, to rejuvenated everyday by the elixir of careless abandon, but not even a grass of these grounds need me. We remain only in our memories and forever lost to the world, lesser than tiny specks of dust.

I do miss you all my friends, no matter where we met and where you are. I wish you all the very best in what you do and I hoope that you find true happiness in your lives.

Frozen Soul

Have I lost myself is what I wonder,
Have I no soul anymore?
When the sky cries and the waves shed their tears,
When the earth roars its disappointment,
When the world stops spinning, I have no feeling.
Has my heart been touched by the eyes of Medusa?

I had the heart of a wanderer, I had the eyes of a traveler
I had the soul of a child and the heart of a fawning puppy
I cried at every tender moment in every movie, book and life itself
My tears purifying my experience, my feelings in a knot
My heart stopped beating every time I saw my girl,
My heart soared the skies with all my hopes and my emotions.

I loved with the same passion that the rain loves parched soil
I wanted with the same desire that a nomad wants water
I soared above life on the wings of  swan and soared along with it
I lived in my dreams and in others too and I loved in them too.
Have I lost being me, yet continue to be?

Where is the tune that will bring my sleeping soul to life?
The one that haunts my dreams with its lilting beauty
The one that brings tears to my eyes with its mellifluous serenity
The one that causes grass to grow in deserts and merry streams to flow
The one that changes ever so often and yet remains eternal
The one whose tune I hear forever, yet grows distant evermore.

YYYYYY?

Is being Cryptic the way to go in life? Are the ones who don't say much the really wise ones? Is it necessary to maintain silence to exert ones importance? Or is it better to air one's opinion every now and then? There are so many unanswered questions in life. My mom says that my wants exceed my needs by far. How much of that is really true? Do I really need only so much and no more or is it not right that my ambitions should be limited only by the sky? Should I not want to be as successful as the most successful men? Are not the most venerated men the most successful ones? Does not our society shun its losers as the weaklings? Does the weakest cub survive in this race for the survival of the fittest? Yet, my parents have lived their lives happily with all their shortcomings and all their not-so-great-successes. So, is not the way to peace best achieved though a hermit's point of view? How do I find the right answers?
Finally how do I reach peace and happiness in life? Through love? Well, that is a no-brainer! That finding peace through love is as elusive as finding the aurora borealis! That generation that seeked a peaceful family life, a peaceful and happy existence is long gone, replaced in turn by our generation- a generation that finds everyone fighting for their power, importance and share of the pie. We have forgotten that peace is best achieved through giving, happiness best achieved by loving and forgiving and the best existence is the one found in harmony with one's surroundings. I see my mom and dad peacefully co-existing and loving each other through all their tribulations and problems, financial as well as otherwise. I see my mom getting in the kitchen to cook inspite all the work she does otherwise without any complaints, I see my mom listening to my dad. This is the same mom I used to think as illogical and highly unpredictable. Yet, she listens to what my dad wants, mostly without him even expressing what he wants. How little I recognise people! She listens to me and brother shout and mostly comes up with some really illogical arguments that only she can. She is the only person I know that can do all that and yet have the sense to understand that we all need to boisterous and our selves without imposing on anybody else. I see them and I see how wrong I was to hope that I would be as happy as they are. I will never achieve the same peace that they have, neither will I ever see myself be the man I wanted to be. Maybe I will be very successful one day, maybe not. But it will always be useless as I have already lost the battle of life. I will never be a s happy as my parents were.

SAY NO TO BLACKBERRY

The present craze maybe to buy a Blackberry as the favourite BBM is an overwhelming favourite of all, but m experience says quite the opposite. Nothing beats Nokia for that matter. Its battery life is unmatched, the phones are sturidier than the bricks used to construct Government buildings in India and extremely resistant to heat, stress, water and other forms of damage. However, the best part of it is like a Maruti car it can be repaired any where and any time. The components are cheap and affordable and unlike the other phones it can be trusted. My Blackberry has given me untold miseries over the Last one year. The software is flimsy and gets corrupted ever so often and the phone stalls like a cheap Chinese toy the moment you try to run more than one operation simultaneously. The battery life is really shabby, lasting less than #3 hrs of non- stop usage. The worst part is the hardware is really fickle and prone to damage. Guys, this is the Sheldon Cooper of mobile phones. Everyone's favourite, yet no one knows why. Everyone wants to see it yet it hasn't delivered yet. Now, to top all my other woes of the touch pad not working and the software getting corrupted, the phone itself refuses to switch on. On taking it to the service centre, they had a funny way of putting it. The phone is water damaged they said as the litmus paper placed inside had changed colours. When informed that it could have happened due to sweat as well, they just turned it around and asked me to go back to the old service station as that service station was apparently better. When informed that there was no other service station in Goa, they just gave up. Now,I'm just praying that the phone starts as all my data is in the phone and would get lost otherwise. Fingers crossed and swear to buy Nokia next time.

INDIA'S AND GOA'S ONLY NUDE BEACH

Yes, I'm not kidding!! No, I'm not pulling your leg and yes, I'm in my senses.  India does actually have a nude beach and its in Goa!! Now, I know that Goa is the closest most Indian Guys will ever come to getting to see women almost nude on the beaches. Frankly, no other place in India offers this much of skin show in public. No wonder then that most Indian men, fed on a steady stream of Hollywood movies, internet porn and their wildest imagination expect Goa to be all that and more when they come. However, sad to say, most of them also come to goa hoping to get laid as most indian men equate bare skin with loose morals and an invitation for promiscuity. hence, the leers, the stares, the gawking, the loud raunchy comments and the cheap booze driven desperation. . unfortunately, none of this ugly behaviour compensates for their crazed obsession to find women to have sex with as, thankfully (?) Goans are quite prurient and chaste. Hence, neither does prostitution thrive in goa nor do the locals allow prostitutes to enter. So, unless you are staying in some posh hotel where they will get you russian and israeli escorts for 5-8 grand or you are ready to satisfy yourself with the utterly pathetic, disease ridden souls parading their bodies for sustenance near Baina beach you won't find much to look forward to in Goa. The one redeeming aspect in this sphere is the gallant chivalry of the Goan beach boys. They will sell themselves for a meager amount to any fair skinned firang woman, even the ugly and hopeless ones who wouldn't dream of catching a boy for such an amount in their own countries. Hence, once you come to terms with this disappointing aspect of Goan life, the only silver lining remains the skin show on the beaches. The more the merrier.

The first time I realised that breasts weren't really worth looking at was when i saw a pair of them on one dilapidated old carcass carrying herself with the new found swagger of the ugly duckling who suddenly realises that her wasted frame was still worth men tripping over themselves. And the story went on and on. there were more and more breasts on display and most of them were not really worth a second glance. for all of my distinguished readers discreetly wiping their drool, all this and much more is available on Goan beaches if you have the energy to venture out on a hot a afternoon. for the best time to catch people sun bathing is when the sun's around. even then you have to know where to be if u want to catch the action as it were and that's what i'm here for. i'm here to open the doors to the secret world of goa to one and all, to wash the dirty linen in public per se, to get you up to date with those mouth watering, heart-skipping-a-beat secrets of goa that you have heard being whispered about and never witnessed.  yes, there are nubile young women (or sexy young chicks in the general lingo) and hot young men all attired in their birthday suits roaming the shady nooks of this beach and you just have to know your way to this place.

enough of the suspense already you say? well, maybe i was piling it on a little. so let's get down and dirty. this beach is called Arambol beach. now there will be some who will be tut-tutting and shaking their wise heads, murmuring to their confidantes that they had been to this beach last year and there was nothing special to speak of. well, for all those skeptics, the action is not in open view, it cannot be. india has a law against public nudity and these people are well aware of it. so, they seek some shelter where they wont be thronged by shameless indian men staring at their genitalia while they try to colour themselves brown, or a burnt red as the case maybe. when you reach Arambol beach you have to ask for the sweet water lake. this is one amazing feature of the Arambol beach which in itself makes the beac a prized tourist attraction. however, its not easy to find. it is about 10-15 min of walk across a narrow hilly lane along the seaside, dotted with small shops selling the sort of junk you will find in any tourist destination and particularly in goa. at the end of your journey you will be rewarded by the sight of a glorious beach on your left, a rousing mountain ahead and a cool fresh water lake nestled at foot of the hill and separated by about 50 mtrs of sand from the sea. there are shady palm and coconut trees along the border. if you wade into this lake, the water is not over 5 feet deep at any place. you can walk up the lake into the mountainside as far as you want to. one word of caution. it is probably better to carry some footwear while you wade into the lake as the rocks get a little slippery at places and can cut your feet. as you move up the lake, the stream becomes narrow and you reach the treasure trove of multani mitti. most tourists prefer to lather their entire bodies with this free supply of multani mitti and then walk back along a separate trail down the mountainside. Finally take the holy dip in the lake and wash off the soil and hope that you glow!! :D

If you go ahead of this small lake along the beach for about 100 meters you will hit the rocky mountainside. Just keep climbing these rocks and get to the other side. and along your way you will find small pockets of sand. Ofetn in these pockets you will find small groups or couples. These people are actually looking for a secluded corner to sunbathe in nude in peace. these small pockets in the rocky mountainside will continue till you reach Keri beach on the other side of the mountain. In between you will come across a couple of rather spacious tunnels through the mountain side, small rivulets and narrow ledges along the sides of the mountain. It is here that I've seen beautiful birds as well. But, most impressive of all, I've seen beautiful young women nude, lying sitting, standing in all poses imaginable, doing all sorts of stuff from rubbing sunscreen on their breasts to sitting spreadeagled tanning their innards. Its is also this that attracts some local youth from sitting on some high rock close by and watch these fair skinned beauties reveling in their god given nudity. So, my advice is that go and take a look, but dont be obvious about it. let these poor souls have their peace dont pester them by looking and gawking at their nude bodies coz they are looking for some peace and solitude as much as anybody else.

MISSING HEART, BLEEDING HEART

I don't know what has happened to me. i  don't know how best to express my feelings.I've always taken refuge in the arts in moments of of pain. And I'm in extreme pain now. Depressed sounds more like a clinical case and given the Indian mentality to outcast anyone with a mental illness or even a semblance of it, Id rather say that I'm sad. I can't breathe properly, I can't sleep peacefully, I cant see myself in the mirror as I haven't shaved in the last few days, I don't feel like taking a bath, I don't want to talk to anybody , play games or go to the beach and swim. Its all a blurry mirage.. as if I have myopia. I never thought that I would experience these feelings again. I have lived with just myself for company for the last 8 years and more. I have always been a little  unsocial, socially awkward, not knowing what to do, what to say, how to express myself and what emotion I should be feeling. So, I didn't know that I could feel these emotions again. I always knew that i loved my wife, and also that i cared a lot about her. What I didn't know was that I've grown to love her so much that this short separation from her is actually more painful than anything else I've ever know. I always was of the opinion that I loved Devbarna more and never more would I ever find someone ti replicate that innocent love of childhood. After all, they say that first love is never replaced. 

But, I was so wrong. Trust me, all that they say that first love cannot be replaced is bullshit!! after all, my first love duped me, tried to tell me that its all my fault while going on behind my back with her colleague. The woman I had decided to give up everything for decided that I was just not worth it and found a much wealthier guy for herself. Whereas the woman I promised love but never expected to love so much has suffered all the repercussions of Dev's indecency. She may not have silently borne the brunt of all my tantrums and she may not be the ideal wife as per Indian standards, but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She drinks and taught me how to enjoy drinks without getting drunk. she wears western clothes, loves to party, and is the woman every man would love to be with. Slowly, yet steadily she has taken over my heart in such a manner that Now even if she leaves me and goes for her work for a couple of days I get depressed. She never promised anything yet she has delivered more than I could have ever imagined. This sounds like a lovelorn youngster out of school, but its true. You can love your wife as much as you may ever love any other woman. I've seen my parents have a loving married life for more than 25 years now. I hope some day my kids will get inspired the same way. I hope that he/she is as lucky as I am and ends up with as amazing a woman as I have.

But what do I do with this heart of mine? She isn't coming back for the next 07 days and its already been 19 days since she left. I need to find some sort of settlement in life where I can work with my wife by mu side at all times. Love you Archana.