My wife says that I'm becoming a fat sloth. I guess she is right, but then I don't have much choice do I? The funny thing about life is that it brings you options and choices that you don't even realise have come and then when you wake up they are long lost in time that will never come back. I have always felt that it is sheer folly to look back and keep reminiscing or ruing my lost chances. When Dev left me I was devastated, but then on one fine morning I said to myself that I won't be a slave to my demons. I have never looked back, and it is not with little pride that I can say that her leaving me didn't scar me in any way at all. This has taught me a valuable lesson in life. The harder you assume something will be, the harder it actually gets. If you assume that it is feasible and doable, it will become easy. This is something that I have made my catch phrase and my motto. hence, the harder something looks, the more enthusiasm I show in order to conquer it. this is not to say that I don't fail, for I do,maybe more than some. But at least i fail trying what most would have given up as impossible.
This life of mine has been an adventure that I have embraced wholeheartedly. Fortunately, we live in a time when our lives are not put at risk everyday and we probably live in one of the safest times ever (just until that stupid enfant from North Korea or some idiot megalomaniac from China does not hatch a plan to overthrow the existing world order). So, we have to devise our own adventures, some that have no place in the current scheme of things. I live to fulfill my heart's loneliness with some moments of pure bliss. It is why I'm the happiest when I'm supposed to be scared the most. It is also why it is a great sorrow that rages in my heart that I strive forever to overcome. I'm all surrounded by people who love me and yet here I am all so alone. I do not know whether this focus on the self is the path to salvation as so many godmen preach or if it is just a safe and modern way to be really self-centred and selfish. Somehow,all the while that Archie is here I don't feel the void. It's when she leaves that I feel so alone and so cold. It is her presence maybe which keeps me so 'full', if that be the right word. When she is here, I get happy, satisfied, angry, upset all at the same time. When she is not here its all gone at once. somehow, its so different from the time when I had fallen so truly madly deeply in love with Dev. Whenever I used catch i glimpse of her, or even someone who looked remotely like her, my heart literally sputtered and stood still. It is always that feeling that I strove to feel again, that raw feeling of teenage heady rush of madness. Those days when the consequences of your actions belonged to your parents, its those days I have been longing for forever.
Ever since Archie entered my life it has never reached the same crescendo, and I have never made any bones about it either. I have been clear to her that I don't expect the rush of first love repeat itself and yet, i have wronger her heavily. It is not the cheap thrill of first love which matters but the slow and sure sense of belonging together. I have always cried at the feeling of true romance, at the tear jerkers which are regularly produced by Hollywood and Bollywood. I am really soft when it comes to the real emotions of life and all my bustle and bluster is a rather unfit armour against such emotions. Yet, I have missed the fact that I have truly fallen in love and this is the most beautiful emotion ever.
