MISSING HEART, BLEEDING HEART

I don't know what has happened to me. i  don't know how best to express my feelings.I've always taken refuge in the arts in moments of of pain. And I'm in extreme pain now. Depressed sounds more like a clinical case and given the Indian mentality to outcast anyone with a mental illness or even a semblance of it, Id rather say that I'm sad. I can't breathe properly, I can't sleep peacefully, I cant see myself in the mirror as I haven't shaved in the last few days, I don't feel like taking a bath, I don't want to talk to anybody , play games or go to the beach and swim. Its all a blurry mirage.. as if I have myopia. I never thought that I would experience these feelings again. I have lived with just myself for company for the last 8 years and more. I have always been a little  unsocial, socially awkward, not knowing what to do, what to say, how to express myself and what emotion I should be feeling. So, I didn't know that I could feel these emotions again. I always knew that i loved my wife, and also that i cared a lot about her. What I didn't know was that I've grown to love her so much that this short separation from her is actually more painful than anything else I've ever know. I always was of the opinion that I loved Devbarna more and never more would I ever find someone ti replicate that innocent love of childhood. After all, they say that first love is never replaced. 

But, I was so wrong. Trust me, all that they say that first love cannot be replaced is bullshit!! after all, my first love duped me, tried to tell me that its all my fault while going on behind my back with her colleague. The woman I had decided to give up everything for decided that I was just not worth it and found a much wealthier guy for herself. Whereas the woman I promised love but never expected to love so much has suffered all the repercussions of Dev's indecency. She may not have silently borne the brunt of all my tantrums and she may not be the ideal wife as per Indian standards, but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She drinks and taught me how to enjoy drinks without getting drunk. she wears western clothes, loves to party, and is the woman every man would love to be with. Slowly, yet steadily she has taken over my heart in such a manner that Now even if she leaves me and goes for her work for a couple of days I get depressed. She never promised anything yet she has delivered more than I could have ever imagined. This sounds like a lovelorn youngster out of school, but its true. You can love your wife as much as you may ever love any other woman. I've seen my parents have a loving married life for more than 25 years now. I hope some day my kids will get inspired the same way. I hope that he/she is as lucky as I am and ends up with as amazing a woman as I have.

But what do I do with this heart of mine? She isn't coming back for the next 07 days and its already been 19 days since she left. I need to find some sort of settlement in life where I can work with my wife by mu side at all times. Love you Archana.

BETA SHAADI KAR LE

yup! those dreaded few words! they havent been uttered by my parents as yet, but the rest of my relations have already started pratting that line with unnerving consistency and sincerity. its as if i was the last man standing on earth and the future of the human race depended on my capability to procreate, the moot point being that i am wasting precious sperm everyday and it wouldnt be long before my suppy ran out and then the human race would be doomed forever. when confronted with situations like these i feel quite helpless, as i am the sort of person who refuses to grow up. as you may have well derived from the name of my blog that a trait of juvenile bonhomie threads all my thoughts. its this childishness that i strive to protect and nurture and it is this childishness that is under threat from certain quarters. after all, my last girlfriend dumped me quite ceremoniously just a month prior to our marriage just because i refused to grow up, or something to that effect.

even as i look at all the girls who were with me in school i am hit with a metaphorical hard and blunt hammer. almost all of them are married and settled. a few of them even have kids. i mean, come on, i am only 25 for god's sake and is this the time to be changing the nappies of two bawling kids? i mean, isn't youth the best phase of one's life and isn't it supposed to be enjoyed while it lasts? i certainly feel it is, more so after i was rescued fom te brink of marriage by Fate. that incident opened my eyes to the dangers of what i had recklessly tried to commit and i realised that life is too precious to waste away tied down by the fetters of marriage. that is all for when my bones grow weak and my flesh goes soft. its for the time when my hair turns white and my teeth fall off, not now, not when i am enjoying myself so much.

this also brings me to write some words about annie, that huge and jolly woman i love so much and who has been the constant source of mirth and happiness to all who have known her. she is a sort of a human sledgehammer. she knows no reason and simply does things because they are there to be done. she is the human equivalent of the fountain of infinite joy. she was my class mate and one of the most amazing women i have ever known. she had no inhibitions like the rest of the girls did, spoke to us guys in our own language and could kick harder than any of us could. she had the constitution of a pit bull and the joie de vivre of a thrush. i have always bonded best with women who do not keep hidden agendas at the back of their minds, that is to say they are more akin to men than women. if she liked something she was always the first to say it, and vice versa. she was huge and a walking tub of fat. that made her the butt of constant jibes and comments from the rest of the guys. she was not in the least put off by it, choosing instead to crack more jokes at her own expense than we could, thereby taking the sting out of the whole joke.

she had lost her father quite early in her life due to the continuos political battles that have ravaged bengal since 1970s. being raised by a mother who had to devote more time to nursing sick men than her own child added two dimensions to her character. she became independant and at the same time didnt grow the ususal inhibitions that a woman in our society is supposed to grow. she was fairly brainy and did pretty decently in her exams. she was a good painter though and occassionally used to bring snatches of her work to class. after finishing school when all of us were trying to get admission in some engineering college or the other, she did the same. she gave up an opportunity to study english at st xavier's college and chose to study electrical engineering at some obscure corner of bengal. like i have already mentioned, she didn't follow the usual stereotype of a woman. it was there she met her future husband. true to her sledgehammer nature she lost no time in getting married to the very tall and handsome young man. the next three years were marked by the birth of two cute kids, the first a boy and the second a girl, interspersed by a miscarriage. when i went home this december, she had just given birth to her second child, a daughter. i was not just moved, but dumbstruck at how happy she was in life, defying all my expectations.

even at a time when i am still thinking of enjoying my life going to discos, pubs and roaming around, she has settled down to family life. even when i am pondering as to where to invest my money, she has already invested in two most beautiful kids. in her, i salute all the spirited women whom i have encountered in my life.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

so many times i have heard of this statement, yet, never has this realisation hit me so forcefully before this evening. she came like a gust of fresh air and blew my mind open, well and truly. yes, she was so unpretentious that i am actually repentant about all my posts mocking women till now.well, it just goes to show that not all women are the same and some are just as good as some men are bad. she had no make up on, yet, a few days ago she was sashaying down the ramp in a chic gown, looking memorably glamorous, and generating appreciativelooks from all present during the navy queen ball. she was dressed in a simple shirt, blue jeans, and white sneakers, and seemd all the more pretty in them. she did have a ring and two beautiful steel bangles on her right wrist. the paucity of ornaments seemed to accentuate her feminity, and she looked simply radiant. her face wasnt painted, yet ,her cheeks looked like they had just been brushed with a pink blusher. there was just the faintest touch of pink paint on her lips and her hair was pulled back in an untidy knot. the only other thing that was feminine about her was the pink nail polish she had on. although they were bright, they werent glaring and it was easily evident that she had a fine sense of balance while dressing, choosing easy and accessible and combining it with just the right amount of feminine touch.

she has a mole right above her upper lip, something that makes her look a little bit more like the girl next door. but the best thing about her are her eyes. they are large, liquid and expressive. she can speak volumes through her eyes and it was just that which made it all the more interestin to watch her. she had the cutest expressions, the cute twist of her mouth, the wrinkling of the nose, the rolling of the eyes, the easy laughter and everything else which made it more fascinating to watch her. even as i dared to ask her,"why don't you become an actor?" she just changed the topic. clearly she loved her job too much and wasnt harbouring any dreams of making it as an actor. yet, i sensed some reticence is the way she refused to talk about becoming an actor and i guess somewhere she must also have stumbled on some roadblock. she says that she presently works as the head designer of zod! shirts and at 23 yrs of age that is a phenomenal performance to say the least. she loves her job so much that she works 18x7 and that is saying something in a world where almost 9 out of 10 people are unhappy with their jobs. i guess she is just one of those women who will remain happy no matter wher they are.

WOEMEN

hi guys, i am aback and this tym i plan to write with vengeance. i have finally found out what should be the best underlying theme for my blog.. i mean that it was rather haphazard over the last few times and if i do plan to write consistently it needs to have an underlying theme. guess what? my underlying theme is going to be women!! now i know that there are just too many blogs around that do the same thing.. write about women. blogs by women about what they want and by men by stating women, sex and the rest. however, i have decided to this with a difference. i plan to write this as an ongoing travelogue of my life and my experiences with women.. i must say that i do not have as much experience in bed as most men do. so that definitely will not be the highlight of my blog, although i will care to mention a few pointers here and there.but the most important thing to remember here is that women are enigmatic creatures to most of us men. we do not understand what they want, and most of the tyms they do not know what they want either. so, the secret is to visualise what they visualise, to think the way that they do and to get into the very minds of women no matter what the situation is. i know that every woman is different and no two women are exactly the same and all that crap. come on! be realistic. do you really believe that? i mean almost all of them go through the same girly magazines and pick up tips from them. so, chances are, that 9 times out of 10 they will behave in the exact same way.

i know that most of us who are in love feel that the one they love can do no wrong. like archana likes to say,"all of us in love either knowingly or unknowingly ignore all that we see as flaws in our lovers." well that might be the case with most of you, and that certainly was the case with me. so, just a word of precaution to all you guys madly smitten by the love bug, BEWARE!!! its not that the women you love are monsters, its just their nature to manipulate you and even the most tomboyish of them are doing it, whether they do it conciously or otherwise. the watchword in this case is CONSTANT VIGILANCE. its what they do and its what you need to do. no matter what you do think and then do. for in everything that you do they shall be searching for certain premeditated qualities, husband-like or boyfriend-like. so even as i write this blog i shall leave behind certain pointers that you may well find useful in the course of your love life. i do not profess to be a love guru, only someone wise to the wiles of woemen. so before you have had your first break-up get up and get wise. ITS HIGH TIME.

before i leave you i would like to leave with this parting shot. why is it in popular culture that so often fun is made out of men's butts yet sexy is what is attributed to women's butts? let me know if there are any plausible answers and i shall see you soon.