MISSING HEART, BLEEDING HEART

I don't know what has happened to me. i  don't know how best to express my feelings.I've always taken refuge in the arts in moments of of pain. And I'm in extreme pain now. Depressed sounds more like a clinical case and given the Indian mentality to outcast anyone with a mental illness or even a semblance of it, Id rather say that I'm sad. I can't breathe properly, I can't sleep peacefully, I cant see myself in the mirror as I haven't shaved in the last few days, I don't feel like taking a bath, I don't want to talk to anybody , play games or go to the beach and swim. Its all a blurry mirage.. as if I have myopia. I never thought that I would experience these feelings again. I have lived with just myself for company for the last 8 years and more. I have always been a little  unsocial, socially awkward, not knowing what to do, what to say, how to express myself and what emotion I should be feeling. So, I didn't know that I could feel these emotions again. I always knew that i loved my wife, and also that i cared a lot about her. What I didn't know was that I've grown to love her so much that this short separation from her is actually more painful than anything else I've ever know. I always was of the opinion that I loved Devbarna more and never more would I ever find someone ti replicate that innocent love of childhood. After all, they say that first love is never replaced. 

But, I was so wrong. Trust me, all that they say that first love cannot be replaced is bullshit!! after all, my first love duped me, tried to tell me that its all my fault while going on behind my back with her colleague. The woman I had decided to give up everything for decided that I was just not worth it and found a much wealthier guy for herself. Whereas the woman I promised love but never expected to love so much has suffered all the repercussions of Dev's indecency. She may not have silently borne the brunt of all my tantrums and she may not be the ideal wife as per Indian standards, but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She drinks and taught me how to enjoy drinks without getting drunk. she wears western clothes, loves to party, and is the woman every man would love to be with. Slowly, yet steadily she has taken over my heart in such a manner that Now even if she leaves me and goes for her work for a couple of days I get depressed. She never promised anything yet she has delivered more than I could have ever imagined. This sounds like a lovelorn youngster out of school, but its true. You can love your wife as much as you may ever love any other woman. I've seen my parents have a loving married life for more than 25 years now. I hope some day my kids will get inspired the same way. I hope that he/she is as lucky as I am and ends up with as amazing a woman as I have.

But what do I do with this heart of mine? She isn't coming back for the next 07 days and its already been 19 days since she left. I need to find some sort of settlement in life where I can work with my wife by mu side at all times. Love you Archana.