MISSING HEART, BLEEDING HEART

I don't know what has happened to me. i  don't know how best to express my feelings.I've always taken refuge in the arts in moments of of pain. And I'm in extreme pain now. Depressed sounds more like a clinical case and given the Indian mentality to outcast anyone with a mental illness or even a semblance of it, Id rather say that I'm sad. I can't breathe properly, I can't sleep peacefully, I cant see myself in the mirror as I haven't shaved in the last few days, I don't feel like taking a bath, I don't want to talk to anybody , play games or go to the beach and swim. Its all a blurry mirage.. as if I have myopia. I never thought that I would experience these feelings again. I have lived with just myself for company for the last 8 years and more. I have always been a little  unsocial, socially awkward, not knowing what to do, what to say, how to express myself and what emotion I should be feeling. So, I didn't know that I could feel these emotions again. I always knew that i loved my wife, and also that i cared a lot about her. What I didn't know was that I've grown to love her so much that this short separation from her is actually more painful than anything else I've ever know. I always was of the opinion that I loved Devbarna more and never more would I ever find someone ti replicate that innocent love of childhood. After all, they say that first love is never replaced. 

But, I was so wrong. Trust me, all that they say that first love cannot be replaced is bullshit!! after all, my first love duped me, tried to tell me that its all my fault while going on behind my back with her colleague. The woman I had decided to give up everything for decided that I was just not worth it and found a much wealthier guy for herself. Whereas the woman I promised love but never expected to love so much has suffered all the repercussions of Dev's indecency. She may not have silently borne the brunt of all my tantrums and she may not be the ideal wife as per Indian standards, but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She drinks and taught me how to enjoy drinks without getting drunk. she wears western clothes, loves to party, and is the woman every man would love to be with. Slowly, yet steadily she has taken over my heart in such a manner that Now even if she leaves me and goes for her work for a couple of days I get depressed. She never promised anything yet she has delivered more than I could have ever imagined. This sounds like a lovelorn youngster out of school, but its true. You can love your wife as much as you may ever love any other woman. I've seen my parents have a loving married life for more than 25 years now. I hope some day my kids will get inspired the same way. I hope that he/she is as lucky as I am and ends up with as amazing a woman as I have.

But what do I do with this heart of mine? She isn't coming back for the next 07 days and its already been 19 days since she left. I need to find some sort of settlement in life where I can work with my wife by mu side at all times. Love you Archana.

GO FLY

Doubts, doubts, doubts all over my black mind

Faster, faster, faster I run from them

Yet, they come closer like Fate

Drums, drums, drums beat in the background

Tribals dance to the tune – mockery of civilization.


Peace, peace, peace is all I crave

Yet, my mind takes me where my nightmares lie

Slipping, slipping, slipping till I wake up

Cold, cold, cold sweat on my furrowed brows

The dungeon of Hell hath opened their jaws.


Warm, warm, warm is the sunshine I feel on my face

Cool, cool, cool is the water gushing over my hands

Yet, dark and lifeless is my heart

Feel, feel, feel I tell myself

Doom has fixed its shackles on me like a caged animal.


I feel the need to fly, to fly

Fly, fly, fly away I tell the wings

Rise, rise, rise and soar above the darkness

Where the sun shines into the heart

Fall, fall, fall like a bird with molten wings.


Cry, cry, cry like a gurgling brook

Uninhibited by paltry rocks, egged on by soothing winds

Dry, dry, dry my eyes are like the burning desert

Cold, cold, cold my heart is when I long for warmth

Neither books nor words soothe me; in pain I burn.


Pop, pop, pop burst the bubbles of unspoken words,

Unheeded emotions, unloved love, virgin words

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh the tips of wings flatter my face

Birds I let free have returned to their nests

Snap, snap, snap my heart breaks into smaller pieces.


Free, free, free like a bird, like a woman in love

Freedom is what sets you free

Love, love, love is what keeps you bound

Break, break, break all boundaries, and let the birds fly

They will return, yet, nothing will be the same.


Look, look, look till my eyes bleed, no difference

Free, free, free the birds are, will always be

Never, never, never will the same my heart be

Winds shall call, the sun shall shine, and the moon will still be beautiful

Yet, my heart has broken too many times, never to change?

HAVE YOU?

Have you touched what I wanted to touch?

Have you seen what I wanted to see?

Have you smelt what I wanted to smell?

Have you heard my heart crying when none can?

Have you pressed your lips on my temple when none can?

Have you placed your ears to hear my broken heart beat?

Have you kissed the tears that flow from my eyes?

Have you smelt the nape of my neck at dawn?

Have you run your fingers through my wiry hair?

Have you buried your face in the cleft of my chest?

Have you held my hand when I needed you most?

Have you looked deepest into my eyes into my secrets?

Have you cupped my face in your hands and kissed my parched lips?

Have you smelt my breath and yearned for more?

Have you dreamt of me when you sleep?

Have you loved me so much to have my baby?

Have you seen us walking into the sunset, hand in hand?

Have you pined to see my face, hold my hand?

Have you whispered lovely words into my ears?

Have you dreamt what I wanted to dream?

Have you felt what I wanted to feel?

Have you wished what I wanted to wish?

Have you wanted to own me?

Have you not heard these words deep inside you?

FOREVER YOURS, NEVER WAS

I don’t want to write. I have lost all energy to think and that comes before I write anything. Every night when I stand on my balcony I feel the urge to jump down the five floors and kill myself. Maybe I will die even before I have reached the ground; maybe I will taste the blood in my mouth before I die. I want to know what lies beyond, in case there is peace in darkness. This is the same balcony from which I used to enjoy looking at the drunken sea. I loved the large number of eagles soaring in the sky, the crows scavenging for food. I loved to see the waves rippling with energy, threatening to break the heart of the shore. I wanted to climb to the top of the tallest trees, to fly with the mightiest eagles. I loved the cool sea breeze that flowed all over me. I loved to stand naked in the balcony and let nature clasp me to her bosom. I loved everything because love was real.

Today when I go to sleep I hope that I should not wake up. When living is so much pain life is a farce. I wake up night after night after having the most beautiful dreams. My beautiful dreams have turned into my worst nightmares now. Sleep draws my eyelids closer, yet, I like awake in fear of the next dream. When I wake up in the morning I am nothing but a shadow, I live only in my dreams.

I want her in my arms and I want to kiss her, write poems for her like I used to. Ever since consciousness kissed my spirit I have loved her as no man has ever loved a woman. Yet, today, I feel as if I loved none but myself. I was selfish. I wanted the world for myself and her too. She is too big for that—only the ashes are mine.

It was easier the first time. I never knew that she was mine. If it was unbearable then, it is hopelessness now for me. It was a fire that burnt me inside out then, only ambers and ashes now. I wish I had the clouds on my side to carry my love to her, but I am all alone. I had all the world to myself; I have lost even my soul in my arrogance. She gave me the best gift ever – her love; and I flew. The higher I flew the more brash I grew, refusing to believe in my own mortality. When the winds have left even the invincible eagle is nothing but a mere paper model which will come crashing to the ground.

If you ever love a woman, set her free. If she comes back to you she will stay. Take care of her for she can make you the king of all you survey. If you turn into a monster, her love will redeem you back into a human being, for such is the power of her love. She will go smiling to the grave with you for such is the power of her love. If you are as lucky as I was, remember not to slight her for she makes you who you are. It will be too late before you realise that you have lost what was yours to claim, yet never again yours.