There are two kinds of Bengalis that we know. Probashi or Expatriate Bangalees, a fairly large and diverse group and Bengalees who are from Kolkata. This group is incorrectly known as Bongs, as they are merely a subset. However, this is the only group which matters.
Gokhale said of them, long years ago, "What Bengal thinks today, India thinks tomorrow." To which Rene Descartes responded, "I think (today), therefore I am (Bengali)." Like all other Nobel Prize Winners, Oscar Awardees and most successful Indian cricket captains, Rene Descartes was also a Bong (this fact is not known outside of Kolkata).
Physical Description:
The Bong has a large head, glasses, glistening hair and dark skin. Older Bongs develop an ample stomach to balance their large heads. This happens by the age of 25. They smell of Keo Karpin. The average life expectancy is
65 years. What is even more impressive is what they do in those years. Outside Kolkata, regardless of weather, sex or age, Bongs can be seen in their Monkey Caps. This is a must-have accessory as well as a sign to recognise other Bongs.
Early Years:
While most Bongs are born with innate talents in singing, dancing, painting, film-making, cooking or embroidery, their creative talents are honed even before they can start speaking. Frequent meets are organised between infants and their successful ancestors and other relatives.
MA degrees (preferably from Cambridge, or at least from Presidency or
Jadobpoor) are displayed over the cots. The infant is exposed to the best of Bengali thought - Marx, Bentham, Kalidash, Tolstoy, Chekov.
This increases the size of their heads and the height of their ambitions.
Similar examples, though rare, can be found in European tradition as well, as in the case of Mozart.
In India, however, Bongs have the sole preserve on such activity during infancy. Soon, when they grow up a little, their characters are further honed in the best of schools. Here, I am not referring to the St.
Xavier's, La Marts, Don Bosco's et al. They are important in the nurture a Bong child goes through. What is even more important are the schools the Bong child passes through before school and after school.
Many a Bong child wakes up at five o'clock in the morning to attend swimming classes. After one hour of swimming, he attends tennis coaching before rushing off to one of the first heaven schools mentioned above.
School finishes by three or so, from where, he scoots along to Singing/ Instrumental Music/ Dance Classes, followed by tuition (in at least three of all five subjects). He rounds off the day with coaching on either Debating or Quizzing.
Many a Bong mom, after the mandatory afternoon nap, will carry the child along through this day, feeling equally energised with uncommon zeal.
This behaviour is again not restricted to Bongs. It is also seen within kangaroos in Australia, who rush along from one clump to another bush.
Growing up:
Soon the Bong attains adolescence, doesn't find friends of his age (since everyone is competing for the Nobel Prize or the Indian captaincy) and finds intimacy in conversation in his/her parents or the poems of T.S.
Eliot and Pablo Neruda. When school ends, they move on to the good colleges - St. Xavier's, Presidency or IIT Kharagpur. The best of them, though, move straight to Joo (Jadobpoor). However, in recent years, Dilli (Stephen's obviously), is becoming the preferred destination for some escapists.
In colleges, they decorate their rooms with books or portraits of Robi Thakur (Tagore). On the opposite wall, they will have posters of Che/Maradona and Enrique Iglesias, thus expressing solidarity with Latin American culture. All of them share equal interest in the Bong-Rock (Bhumi, Chondrobindu, Cactus,Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple).
Later Years:
Bongs mature early. Critics have said that they grow old early, but that is nothing but old hat. Years of toil and Eliot would obviously bestow wisdom. The reason they look older is because the sole purpose of a Bong's life is to win the Nobel Prize or the Oscars (and in recent years, captain the Indian team). With great responsibility comes great age.
Add to it, the chlorine in the swimming pools and you know why Bongs grey prematurely. As far as their mission in life is concerned, they have been very successful at it. Every Indian Nobel Prize winner has been Bong. So have the Oscar Awardees. And most succesful Cricket Captain.
And Bipasha Basu.
Once Bongs have kids though, their mission on life changes. The only raision d'etre for them is making sure that their progeny achieves the heights that they could (orcouldn't). Hence, parent Bongs are mostly found outside of schools, colleges and tuition classes.
Diet:
Diet is as important as Robindro Shongeet. There's nothing that a Bong can't eat. However, they prefer protein over other food groups.
The largest source of protein for them is fish, then meat, and then mishti
(sweets) made from milk. More than fish itself, it is the knowledge of fish which is coveted and enjoyed. Carbohydrates are tolerated if they are deep-fried in oil or if it is an accompaniment to fish. Luchis (somewhat like a Puri), Telebhajas (pakoras) and Phuchkas (Paani Puri) are the favoured source of carbohydrates. The young Bengali though, invariably, always lives on a diet of Farex, Lactogen and Waterbury's Compound followed by Horlicks in later years.
Mating and procreation:
A few Bong end up being in relationships, which lead to love marriage.
This is sometimes shown in movies and song. However, most do not have any such social malignancy and end up marrying the woman of their mother's dreams or men of their father's choosing. This results in mixing the right genes for the next cycle of Bongs. Love marriage, by its very nature, is random. It sometimes results is tragedy, like marrying into another country (like India).Hence, it is avoided, wherever possible.
Social Life:
Adda, Robindro Shongeet and Cha. Repeat. Do note that the young Bong doesn't have a social life (at least not till he wins the Nobel or gets a Government job).
Habitat:
While you may find a Bong in other places (like occasionally in offices), the best time to observe a Bong is in his natural habitat -the best of colleges, the best of schools, the best of coffee houses. It is here that he will tell you about Balzac while she will recite poetry with gay abandon.
To mix in with the Bong, apply Keo Karpin to your hair and carry a jhola.
Hopefully, they won't notice your small head. Do not worry about not knowing the language, as the Bong likes being heard.
Famous Bongs:
Many famous Bongs have been referred to in this extract. Hence, this section is used to debunk that big myth about Bongs. People believe that Bong men can't be hunky. If so, then what about Abhishek Bachchan (via
mother,) Saif Ali Khan (via mother), John Abraham (via girlfriend), Hritik Roshan (via grandmother). Which only goes to prove that Bongs are good guys, despite their love of cracking jokes about every other community but completely lacking the ability to laugh at themselves!
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Thursday, March 25, 2010
MY POEM
serpent inside my head, coiling around my temple
time ticks unbearably slowly, life is just not worth living
the sky is black like tar, not a single star to cheer me.
the veins in my eyes burst, blood blurs vision
i look at my hazy form in a mirror
only two red eyes look grossly back at me
i'm lost as i search for the right language to express myself
my heart bleeds incessantly, language irrelevant.
my throat is parched as are my insides,
thoughts come at random, like bolts from the blue
i wince in pain as they explode into recognition
i shiver as i realise that all is part of a whole
fear makes me numb even as my brain works frantically
as the small pieces start falling in place
the picture starts to resemble a horrible nightmare
my worst and, yet, now a a stark reality
colours creep into the picture from the confines of hell
my angel has left my side, hope has flickered away
im being devoured alive from inside my brain
i know not how to stop this madness
my fears have driven me to the brink of despair
it seems beyond my efforts to stop this nemesis from hell
i have not given up yet, something tells me not to
life persists even after the worst storm has had its say
life persists on land that has been ravaged by fire
life exists on land that was blasted by an atom bomb
life supercedes all barriers we put in its way
scientists predict it will flicker away someday
some billion or trillion years later when the sun will explode
yet, i prefer to believe that life will endure
maybe as a microscopic speck at the other end of the universe
it is from life that i draw my ultimate lesson
i know somewhere deep within me lies strength
the strength to overcome this fiend in its worst form
it is that strength which i seek now
i search all around and within myself
i have got to save my save myself and my angel
from this mutating disease that is me
i clutch at every straw that comes my way
i seek mercy from god, whom i've ignored until now
i seek mercy from my stars, in whom i had no faith
i seek to impress myself with the lesson of other men
it is the demons within me that i need to conquer
i know even as i persevere, i shall find truth
i need to see through this storm and my angel awaits me
with a smile on its radiant face and a twinkle in its eyes
it will take me into its arms and peace will be mine
like a foetus in its mother's womb, i will be free of my troubles
i sail towards happiness in the arms of my angel, my DESTINY.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
LSD= LOVE + SENA + DHARMA
the v-day might have found the Muthaliks and the Raj Thakerays of this world with their genitals in a twist because they fear to see the day when a woman will come up and tell them," get it up, you old fart !" for the rest of us its just another day when we spend some time to think of the one we love. but then its time we removed the cynicism from our system and accepted that any day that helps us to remember the ones we love is godsend and we shouldn't spend it cursing others or ourselves. before the year 1969, the church recognised 13 different v-days. guess what sort of a situation the Muthaliks would have found themselves in if that had been the case today! what with the uncultured youth of today learning all new ways to have fun, it would have been a riot if they had found thirteen different days to express their love!!!! i mean life should be like it was in the "earlier days"-- that is to say like they might have had in their repressed childhood. think of the glorious days when you could hang a couple because they thought that they could marry inter caste. and the kids of today think that in 30 years the world has changed so much that they can marry inter religion... i mean haven't we learnt anything from our beloved Taliban brothers or what?! see, they keep saying that the essence of all religions is the same. after all, both the Taliban and us are performing the holy rite of cleansing this dirty earth of filthy women who, of late, have begun to think that they can be equal to men. wasn't the hallowed position of a mother or the wife not enough? that's our culture after all to have all women act as mothers... we do not recognise any other form of the woman-- so what if lakshmi is krishnas concubinbe? only in this land of miracles can the semen of the great saints flow down our great mother ganges and impregnate our sati sadhwi women. the saints never did anything wrong after all.... and to think of it who ever heard of our ancestors copulating?? its the greatest sin of all... should never have been discovered by man... and that dirty thing is never supposed to be done without the supervision of the old men (like Muthalik), who can advise the younger generation how to do it, although they, like their gods, have never indulged in such immoral acts.... the reason that such acts are condoned is that we need our great race to live on and produce more great men like the Muthalik... after all his mother must have had a virgin pregnancy. in any case, if the christian gods can do it why cant our esteemed mothers? marriage is the way that has been shown by our forefathers to keep the female species under control and the weak male of today needs to be taught how to use it well... why don't we ask the Muthalik to write a book, maybe titled "how to empower men- marriage". with all the generations of knowledge that remains trapped in the heads of great leaders like the muthalik we need to tap it for better usage... can we actually take his brain and transplant it in a termite and see if it runs to kill its mate? hope we have more men like the muthalik come up and enlighten our television sets in the future... i might even ask him to give a job to my brother. after all he does have a good sense of comedy... and, as a last word, those sculptures at khajuraho aren't authentic after all, i have been told in the strictest confidence by the muthalik... they have been tampered by our british rulers during their 200 years here. those sick, perverted men added the genitalia and removed the clothes from the deities who were actually performing holy rites!
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